Lately, I've been jamming to the song "Track Star" by Mooski and man does it resonate with me. Let’s break down the hooks of this song,
“She gon run away when it gets hard. She can’t take the pain she can't get scarred".
Now, what attachment style does this sound like? Avoidance. This adaptation to stress and perceived turmoil really in my humble opinion comes down to distress tolerance. The ability to deal with strong emotions is a skill that can be developed and strengthened btw. It appears she may struggle with conflicts and confrontation and asserting herself. One of my favorite questions is "WTF?"- what’s the function of the behavior her behavior. It seems a bit flighty, to learn more about the trauma responses, check out the trained for trauma or terror post. Let's look at the next verse,
"Don’t wanna commit, why take it this far?"
In these two sentences alone you can’t help but feel well I can’t help but feel for the rapper and for the woman who is a runner.
What do you do?
Well, I'd like to introduce the W.A.Y. Method- worry about yourself. Relationships are a dance and the people involved bring their own set of triggers, strengths, and attachment styles. As somebody that has had to work diligently and still does on the anxious attachment style, I can tell you that it’s worth putting in the work and it’s an honor to witness the growth of the people I work with as they soothe and heal and work through their attachment styles. As for the rapper, it took me a while, but once I heard this,
"Gave you whatever you desire, put you first".
My guess is the anxious attachment style. It's important to value your partner, their desires, wants, needs and validate them however, placing others constantly before you can leave you depleted, hurt, and resentful. You may be asking, "ok Yesenia so what the hell do I do if I just can't do feelings?". You absolutely can do them, you just have to be willing to explore where the blockages are. That's what they are, blockages not a life sentence. It won't be easy, it will be uncomfortable as hell, but with some assistance, you can get there, when you are ready of course. A good start is to just expand language for emotions, the feelings wheel is a great resource. If you'd like to know about the types of attachment styles, listen to my last podcast episode.
Working through Your Attachment Style
Identify your attachment style by taking an assessment such as this one.
Explore blockages and thought patterns.
The hard part-Explore origins and thoughts formations.
Emotion regulation skills and self-soothing are going to be necessary before engaging with a partner and using those interpersonal effectiveness skills. If you can't tolerate your own triggers, is it reasonable or fair to know how to tolerate outside of yourself?
Communicate your wants and needs
Own your ysh. Whether you are the one running or chasing, you have to own and explore
Tell shame to kick rocks!
Instead of blaming the person for not meeting your needs, ask yourself what unhealed and wounded area within YOU is triggered.
If you're not ready to start working with somebody, lean into that shyt and do some research. Begin by reading up on it. Here's a great read. Lastly, I need you to know that you cannot have intimacy without vulnerability. You can avoid leaning into vulnerability, but you will also avoid experiencing the full benefits of a reciprocal (ideally) and nourishing relationship whether intimate or not.
I had to leave you with this song because it is such a beautiful one.